July 20, 2006
Bible II: Heretic Boogaloo
If, in these uncertain and troubled times, you feel a need to Turn To The Bible, may I humbly suggest that you turn to the version now being lovingly crafted on WULAD? It's Bible II: Heretic Boogaloo!!! Our story is currently somewhere in Genesis:
Ah ha! shouteth the Lord, and snapped His fingers (and somewhere, a solar system was destroyed). He reached down into Adam’s torso, pushed aside some partially-digested Bugles, and yanked out a rib, which Adam would later describe as the “worst pain of my life, until I had to pass a kidney stone in under two minutes in the bathroom at LaGuardia so I could catch my flight which proceeded to sit on the freaking tarmac for three hours.” (God would later admit in group therapy that this was in retribution for Adam's calling Him a “c*cks*cker” after a bad day at the track.)
The Lord, meanwhile, using His holy whizbangs, morphed Adam’s gooey, schmutz-dripping rib into a 5’7”, 36-26-36 stack of smokin’ she-goodness, most likely inspired by a certain lingerie catalog He had been stealing from the mailbox and stashing under his bed since the age of 14 (million). God’s eyes--not like the craft project you made in art class with the sticks and yarn--promptly shot clear out of His head, which had temporarily turned into that of a whistling cartoon wolf. (This resulted in the total destruction of several small galaxy clusters.)
I dub thee, sayeth the Lord, EVE.
Now that is The Word. (BTW, the public radio feature The Writers Almanac had an interesting little item on the creation of the King James Bible a while back. I love how they deliberately decided to use "thee" and "thou" because it would make the Bible sound older. Kinda like the bad, overly stilted dialogue that shows up in crappy gladiator movies from the 50s. Or any of the Star Wars sequels.)
P.S. My all time favorite creation myth was written by Paul Rudnick for The New Yorker.
Posted by Chris Spurgeon at July 20, 2006 04:01 AM